


I'm Only Sure That I'm Not Sure

by bythelightofthenight



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Dirty Talk, Hand Jobs, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, also side clary x jace if someone needs warning tho it's barely mentionable, isabelle is better than you jace stays cool and clary is the middleman, just the usual, well maybe a teeny tiny bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-19 00:54:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1449280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythelightofthenight/pseuds/bythelightofthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Alec takes a deep breath and opens his mouth. He thinks about mentioning his situation with Jace, the fact that he has no idea what's going on or maybe that he still hasn't told his parents, but all that comes out is:</i><br/>"I'm in love with you."</p><p>It takes just one unintentional hand job to make a mess - pun intended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Only Sure That I'm Not Sure

**Author's Note:**

> Written after reading the first three books so a while back and still not even close to the actual plot. I also think I'm hilarious and I apologize for that. First m/a I've ever written and slightly dirtier than the usual M-rated stuff I post. At this point all possible mistakes exist because I have about 17 slightly different version of this in all of my devices.

"I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I’m doing here", Alec mutters, eyes cast to the floor.

They’re sitting in the warlock’s dimly lit living room, only a few candles casting a soft light over their bodies. Alec’s sitting at the far end of the couch while Magnus rests politely near the other end.

"Are you sure about that?" Magnus’ voice is light but it still manages to stir something in Alec’s chest.

"No", he admits.

"Well Alexander, since we’ve been playing this little game for a while now where you come around and mess with my head before taking off, saying you never want to see me again, I think we have a few options on how this will go down. First one being you repeating said formula and running out. Following that, I would bravely say that whatever this is will be over. And the second being you talking about what’s bothering you and me giving you wise advice."

"Is there a third option?" Alec glances at him quickly from under his lashes.

"Maybe", Magnus shrugs and leans back on the couch. "But I prefer keeping it at an even number."

"I- I’d like the second option then."

"What was that?"

"I can’t talk if you keep making fun of me!" he huffs.

"Very well", Magnus nods, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips.

Alec takes a deep breath and opens his mouth. He thinks about mentioning his situation with Jace, the fact that he has no idea what’s going on or maybe that he still hasn’t told his parents, but all that comes out is:

"I’m in love with you."

*

Alec stands in front of a big wooden door. He stares at it blankly, making no move to open it or knock.

The wind is picking up, messing his hair and making his jacket flap against his body.

The door opens suddenly and dark eyes meet his.

"Ah, isn’t it the young Alexander Lightwood", Magnus grins, leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. "What kind of Nephilim problem do you need me to solve on this fine evening?"

"It’s not a Nephilim prob - I mean of course I am - But it’s more, um, personal", Alec stammers.

Magnus’ grin widens. “Come on in then.”

Alec follows the warlock into his apartment. It’s empty and very tidy for once, which he accidentally blurts out.

A burst of laughter escapes Magnus as he turns to face the boy before sitting down on the long couch. “So… What do you need help with?”

"I didn’t say I need help", Alec snaps defensively at first but settles down after meeting Magnus’ calm eyes. "Fine, I need help with something."

"Sit down, Alexander", the warlock pats the spot next to him.

Alec sits but not where he points. Instead he takes the spot furthest away from the amused warlock. He smooths down his wind-blown hair and straightens his back, perched uncomfortably on the edge of the couch, ready to bail whenever needed.

"Well now that you’re settled", Magnus clears his throat to keep himself from laughing again, "do you mind telling me what the problem is?"

Alec deliberately looks away from him as he thinks. He doesn’t know what to say. Maybe that he’s been in love with his best friend, his parabatai, for years. Or that his family wouldn’t be okay with any of this. Or maybe that since the day he met Magnus Bane all of _this_ has become a lot more than it was before. Instead he crawls over and climbs into Magnus’ lap. He sets his knees on either side of the warlock’s thighs and catches his lips with his own.

For a second he considers that Magnus should’ve seen it coming but then he’s being kissed back and it all flies out of his mind. Alec grabs the front of his shimmering black shirt to pull him even closer. His lips are chapped and sloppy on the older man’s but it’s stopping neither of them.

Alec lets his hands wonder down Magnus’ chest down to his belt but quickly retreats back up to his neck. Magnus on the other hand is far from bothered. His tongue is persistent against Alec’s lips until he opens them with a gasp, caused by hands on his ass. Magnus kneads the flesh of his cheeks, pushing him down on his lap.

"Ma- Magnus", Alec pants against his lips, cheeks flushed. "Not like this."

Magnus pulls away from him and gives him a sharp look. “You don’t want this?”

Alec tries to kiss him again but Magnus keeps his distance.

"I’m going to need a yes or this is not going anywhere", Magnus says with a hand on his chest.

"Yes", is all Alec gets out before there’s pair of lips against his again.

Magnus grabs his thighs and yanks him up in his arms. Alec realizes that he’s never been in the warlock’s bedroom as they pass the kitchen. Then he realizes that his hands are shaking so he kisses back even harder.

Magnus lowers him on his bed, a double with deep crimson sheets, and leans over him. “What do you want me to do?”

Alec doesn’t trust his voice so he just spreads his legs so that Magnus settles on top of him. He closes his eyes tightly when Magnus starts kissing his neck, hips hitching slightly against each other.

"You need to - Can you..?" Alec squeezes him closer with his thighs.

"Yeah, of course", Magnus nods and rolls on his side so that he can open Alec’s jeans.

His boxer briefs are strained over his cock, which twitches under Magnus’ dark gaze. The warlock licks his lips unconsciously before reaching out to stroke him through the fabric. Alec clenches his eyes shut even harder and bites his lip to keep a whine in.

"Is this okay?" Magnus’ voice is gruff and Alec can feel his breath on his collarbone.

He cracks an eye open to see his hand pushing inside his underwear. He nods frantically and turns to stare at the ceiling. Magnus works him quickly with long, tanned fingers wrapped tightly around him, and soon Alec is coming hard over his hand with an embarrassed squeak.

Magnus lets out a chuckle as he snaps his fingers to have a box of tissues appear. He cleans up the younger man gently, humming softly against his chest. Alec stays still throughout his doings, biting his lip with his eyes closed once again.

"Well Alexander, do you think -" Magnus glances up at the boy and sees his lip tremble. "Alec?"

A tear slips from Alec’s eye and he throws an arm over his face.

"Hey", Magnus moves up to his level and puts a hand on his arm. "What’s wrong? Was it that bad for you?"

Alec shakes his head harshly, still hidden behind his arm.

"Please tell me. It’s not much of an encouragement when the guy you make come starts crying right after. During - that I’ve seen. But not after", Magnus strokes his arm.

Alec shakes him off as he sobs.

He sits up and adjusts the front of his pants. “Please talk to me. At least look at me. There’s nothing wrong with -“

"Don’t! It’s not okay. None of this is okay", Alec whimpers and finally meets his eyes. "None of this was supposed to happen!"

"You came onto me! What else was supposed to happen?" Magnus frowns. "Did you not want it?"

"That’s the problem", Alec wipes his eyes but the tears are still flowing.

"Oh, so this is not about sex", Magnus gives him a sad look. "Sweetheart, there’s nothing wrong with liking men. You don’t have to feel guilty.”

“You don’t know what it’s like”, Alec glares, the gesture losing its effect when he sniffles.

“Okay, fine. I can’t say I know how you Nephilim deal with homosexuality but I’m sure it’s not how downworlders do it. And I know you and the Clave have all these rules for everything - I wish I didn’t but it’s a bit hard to not notice - but you have to think for yourself, not for them.”

“Yeah, because that’s so easy. I’m barely an adult in their eyes anyway”, Alec stretches his sleeve over his palm and dries his face. “I don’t want to feel this way! Why does it have to be me? I hate it! If I just didn’t l… if I just wanted girls, everything would be so much easier.”

“But would you be happy then? If you started liking girls now?” Magnus asks.

“Do I look happy now?”

“Did you not feel happy just a little while back?”

Alec opens his mouth but says nothing. His face goes blank and he doesn’t meet Magnus’ eyes anymore. “You don’t know me, Magnus.”

“And still you’re in my bed telling me this”, Magnus points out. “While I don’t mind having you in my bed, I’d rather have you like it too.”

“What do you want me to say? That I liked you touching my dick? Damn it, Magnus, I can’t be what you want me to be! I can’t do anything right! I’ve never killed a thing, I’m not even charming like Izzy and Jace, and not to mention I can’t even like girls like I’m supposed to –“ Alec slaps a hand over his mouth. “I need to go.” He zips up his jeans and scrambles off of the bed. “I – I’m sorry. I need to go.”

“Alec, please –“

“I need to go.”

Alec rushes out and Magnus lets him go with a sigh.

*

“Magnus! Open the door! Magnus!”

The large door cracks open and a head of dark hair pops out. “Yes?”

Jace grins at the warlock. “Do you have a minute? I brought Alec as bait.”

“Hey!” Alec kicks his shin and keeps his eyes on the pavement.

“Well, if you even got a bait”, Magnus snorts and pushes the door open. He glances at Alec, who is deliberately not looking at him, before turning on his heels and walking into the apartment.

Jace pats his shoulder and follows the warlock with Isabelle right in his tracks.

“Sorry”, Clary mumbles before rushing in.

Alec looks around the empty street and sighs. He pulls the door shut behind him, but stays in the dark hall while Jace and Isabelle bicker with Magnus. They seem to find an agreement because it gets quiet for a moment. The air vibrates suddenly and his ears pop. Alec rushes to the living room where only Magnus stands.

“What happened?”

“They went through a portal”, Magnus states calmly, wiping his hands on a towel.

“Without me?” Alec shrieks.

“Well you stayed behind, didn’t you? They thought you might as well stay here and wait with me”, Magnus shrugs.

“I’m going to kill Izzy”, he hisses to himself.

“No need to hurt your sister. I’m sure it was only half-intentional on her behalf”, Magnus makes the towel disappear and walks away.

“So what am I supposed to do now?” Alec follows him reluctantly.

“Well that is for you to decide”, Magnus sits down on the couch and raises his brows at him. “Though I’m perfectly fine with just talking.”

Alec glares at him. “Do you think this is a joke?”

“Of course not –“

“No, of course you don’t. It’s not a problem for you at all. You can be – whatever you want and no one cares! You can fuck whoever you like and there’s no one against it!”

“Now, now, Alexander. You make me sound like a floozy”, Magnus leans back and crosses his legs.

“I’m serious! There are no warlock rules for liking someone! What am I supposed to do?”

“Are you saying you like me?”

“What? No!”

“Now you’re just hurting my feelings”, Magnus pouts.

Alec growls. “And you’re still not taking me seriously!”

“You’ll learn soon enough that taking life too seriously will get you nowhere.”

“You’re infuriating!”

“Are you trying to insult me? Because you’re going to have to try harder than that”, Magnus chuckles.

Alec stares him down but he just meets the boy’s glare steadily. “Shut it.”

“Make –“

“Don’t say make me or I’ll walk away right now!”

“- me.”

Alec launches himself at him, grabbing his hair to slam their lips together. Magnus holds his hips as he lands in his lap. Their lips clash and their teeth bump but Alec keeps pushing against him.

“You frustrate me so much”, he growls against Magnus’ lips. “Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why can’t _I_ just leave you alone?”

“Maybe you should just stop fighting it”, Magnus grins into the kiss.

“Can’t you see I’m fighting it all the time”, Alec tugs at his shirt, pulling it up to uncover his stomach. “I’m fighting every single instinct in my body not to mention all the expectations my family has for me!”

“And how’s that working for you?”

Alec bites the warlock’s lower lips as his fingers dig into the skin of his stomach. Magnus hisses and squeezes his hips harder.

“Why do you feel so nice”, Alec sooths the bite with his tongue. “I just want to –“ he blushes but doesn’t let go. “I hate you.”

“I can’t wait to see what you’re like when you love me then”, Magnus nudges his nose with his own.

“Shut. Up.”

The air vibrates and Alec’s ears buzz, but he doesn’t notice over the beat of his heart.

“Hey Alec, I –“

They all freeze for a few consecutive seconds before Alec jumps up to face Clary. She looks just as shocked as Alec feels and neither can say a word.

Magnus clears his throat and straightens his shirt. “Clarissa, great to see you again.”

Alec gives him an exasperated look and runs a hand through his hair. “Where are Jace and Izzy?”

“They’re coming soon. So it might be better if you, er, sort yourselves out before that”, Clary says to the floor.

“There’s nothing to sort out!” Alec quips. “Absolutely nothing. I’m going to go now. Right away. And never come back. Never ever. Not coming back. Goodbye Magnus.”

The door bangs loudly behind him as he leaves. He rushes through the crisp night air towards the Institute. He can’t stop thinking about Magnus’ lips on his or his hands moving all over his body. The more he thinks, the faster he walks. In the end Alec’s running through the streets, enjoying the burn in his lungs until he can’t breathe.

The Institute is quiet when he enters through the front door. Church stares at him when he walks by but he can’t even meet the cat’s eyes.

In his room he strips out of his clothes right away and jumps into the shower. He let’s the scalding water wash away the feeling of guilt, but not the noises he can’t stop making when he comes hard to the thoughts of Magnus touching him.

*

"Alec, we need to talk."

His panicked eyes meet his sister’s. “About what?”

"You acting weird", Isabelle states before dragging him into her room. "Sit."

Alec does as he’s told, knowing not to fight her when she has that look in her eyes.

"You’ve been acting weird."

"How exactly?" Alec asks as calmly as he can.

"It wasn’t noticeable first. I mean you still wear your old sweaters and try to keep Jace and I - and Clary too I guess - safe. Which is the first weird thing. You like Clary nowadays. Or at least you don’t mind her anymore. Even Simon visiting doesn’t seem to bother you. It’s like you’re stuck in your head all the time. You do that a lot but not this much", Isabelle sits down next to him and takes a breath to prepare for the next outburst.

"So I have a lot on my mind. So what?" Alec quips in before she starts.

"I was just coming to my next point", she snaps. "Everything’s been going smoothly lately. We have a lot to do but it’s only been time consuming, not difficult. And it seems you throw yourself at any kind of task in hand - even to things you usually don’t want to do at all! None of you appreciate my cooking but you’ve never offered to do it yourself before. Not to mention getting groceries. And you let me cut your hair. Your hair, Alec. When has that ever happened before?"

"I just -"

"Is this about Jace having a girlfriend?"

Alec frowns. “No! I’m happy if he’s happy.”

"Ha! See? You’re happy for Jace that he’s dating someone! What is wrong with you? You’re never happy for Jace. Not with the weird love/hate affair you have going on", Isabelle smirks at him victoriously.

"It’s not about Jace", Alec says finally.

"Then what is it? You know you can tell me, Alec. I’m your sister. You can trust me. You know you can", Isabelle touches his shoulder lightly.

Alec sighs. “It’s not you I’m worried about, Iz. I don’t trust myself with any of this.”

"So it is about your sexuality?"

He sighs again, even deeper. “Yes.”

"You know you could tell them. They won’t -"

"They won’t what? Hate me? Be disgusted by me? Throw me out?" Alec snarls.

"They love you, Alec. We all do", Isabelle grabs his hand and squeezes it. "It has nothing to do with your ability to work. It’s not like you’re even seeing anyone…"

He looks up to see the realization in her eyes.

"Who is it?" Isabelle asks sternly. "Tell me, Alec."

"I’m not seeing anyone, Izzy, I promise", Alec mutters.

"But there is someone. Don’t try to lie to me, I can see it in you. You’re terrible at hiding things."

"I don’t want to tell you."

"So it’s someone we know!"

"Isabelle!" Alec whines. "What are we? Children?"

"Fine. But what is your situation with him?"

"I hate him."

"I already told you you’re terrible at lying. You might be able to lie to yourself but you’re not fooling me", Isabelle rolls her eyes. "Have you kissed?"

Alec hides his face in his hands. “You’re embarrassing me.”

"I should’ve guessed: you’re not brave enough for it, are you?" she shakes her head slowly. "What a shame."

"I am too! I have kissed him just so you know!" Alec exclaims.

Isabelle stares at him for a minute with a grin tugging at her lips before it falls off completely. “What else? I can tell there’s something else you’re not telling!”

"I am not discussing my sex life with my baby sister!"

"Ha! Baby sister my ass. At least I’m the one of us who isn’t a virgin", Isabelle blanks out. "Right?"

Alec rubs a hand over his eyes. “Yes, I’m still a virgin on your scale, I’m sure.”

"But on someone else’s scale?"

Alec blushes deeply. “I don’t know…”

"What did you do?"

"It was only one-sided, okay?" Alec snaps. "I freaked out."

"He’s a keeper then", Isabelle nods thoughtfully and at Alec’s confused face she adds: "If he’s willing to only do you and not ask for favors back."

"Can we please not talk about this", Alec begs.

"I’m just proud! There was a time I thought you wouldn’t have a hand in your pants until you’re being bathed in an elderlies’ home!"

"How supportive of you", Alec says dryly.

"You know I love you, right?" Isabelle asks, now serious.

"I know, I know", he accepts the hug she’s offering.

"I hope you’ll work things out with Magnus", she whispers in his ear before running off.

"Hey!" he yells after her but she’s long gone.

*

Alec’s fresh out of the shower when he hears noises from downstairs. He dries his hair with his towel quickly and wraps it around his waist. The clothes he’s picked out are on the chair… or then he forgot them in his room. He peeks into the corridor, which turns out empty except for Church sitting near the door.

“Hush”, Alec shoos at the cat but the animal doesn’t move a whisker. “Fine!”

He wraps the towel around himself tighter and tiptoes out of the bathroom. The floorboards creak under his feet and he curses quietly under his breath. The voices downstairs silence for a minute before steps move to the stairs.

Alec rushes into his room to pull on a pair of pants. He’s still looking for a shirt when there’s a knock on his door.

“Alec, can I come in?” Isabelle’s voice is muffled through the wood.

“Just a second!” he replies from his closet.

“I can’t hear you. We’re coming in”, Isabelle says while already opening the door.

“Isabelle! I’m not –“

“Hello Alexander”, Magnus nods at him politely, but his eyes are raking over Alec’s rune-covered arms and chest.

“Isabelle!” Alec throws his arms up in impatience. “Is there a reason you have to bring guests up into my room while there’s an endless amount of rooms available?”

“We’re in a hurry”, Isabelle smiles innocently. “Get your clothes on now. We’ve got to go!”

“Fine, I’ll do it if you leave”, Alec huffs.

Isabelle shrugs happily and steps outside. Alec turns back to his closet and rummages through it for a shirt.

“Where did I put my jacket?” he mutters to himself only to look up to see Magnus holding it out for him. “Oh. You’re still here.”

“I know”, Magnus smirks and helps the jacket on him. “And we were leaving in a hurry.”

“Then why didn’t you go?”

“Didn’t want to leave you all alone”, Magnus straightens his collar and uses it to pull him closer.

“Stop hitting on me.”

“Me? Hitting on you? Never.”

Magnus presses his lips against his. He lets himself be pushed against the wall next to his door as Magnus’ lips move to his neck. His eyes flutter shut as his head falls back against the wall with a thump. Magnus’ thigh inches between his and he shudders. Alec stops his hips from twitching against him but it’s hard with the warlock’s scent disrupting all his senses.

“Isabelle’s going to kill you”, he growls.

“Stop thinking about your sister when I’m kissing you”, Magnus chuckles before biting down on the skin below his ear.

Alec hisses but doesn’t move away. “I wish you wouldn’t kiss me all the time.”

“Me? You’re usually the one starting this”, Magnus laughs into the crook of his neck.

Alec goes to put his hands on the warlock’s hips but they happen to brush against his crotch. His mind blanks out momentarily and he pushes the man away.

“Stop. We’re leaving now”, he pants. “Don’t talk to me today.”

Magnus nods. “As you wish.”

He stays behind for a few seconds as Alec rushes out, giving the boy some room – and maybe a bit for himself as well.

*

It doesn’t make any sense, he thinks as they’re creeping into an abandoned building that is supposed to have a demons’ nest in it.

Jace is taking the lead as always, Isabelle at his heels with Clary right behind them. A loud noise comes from the higher floors and they stop to listen for a moment.

Why would Magnus keep on coming onto him even when he kept making it clear he wasn’t interested? Sure they keep ending up in more or less questionable situations, but at least he’s trying. He doesn’t mean to do any of it while Magnus can’t even stop looking at him like _that_.

Alec just wants to stop thinking about the warlock’s hands, how they look on his paler skin and how they feel under his clothes. He should stop thinking about the man all together. With Jace it was never a problem. They just did normal things together and he thought he felt something. It wasn’t a constant need to _have_ something more. It was –

“Alec!” Jace calls for him just before he gets a blow to the back of his neck.

He blacks out almost immediately, only getting to see Isabelle whipping a demon to pieces right above him before he’s gone.

Waking up doesn’t come easy for him since every time he feels a part of his body move, the pain makes him lose consciousness again. Alec hears his name being called a few times and it sounds like Clary most of the time.

He’s been lying motionless for what feels like ages, slowly waking up from his pain-induced slumber, when he finally gets his eyes open.

“Hey, you’re awake!”

Alec tries to talk but his mouth is too dry to form words. Jace is leaning over him, peering at him with worried eyes.

“You got zapped pretty well, didn’t you?”

He nods with no better way to agree.

“You should be okay now, though. Magnus said so at least”, Jace sits on the edge of the bed and pats what he assumes to be Alec’s arm.

Alec clears his throat loudly and the blonde boy laughs.

“Need a drink, buddy?”

He nods once again and gives Jace what he hopes to be an unimpressed look. Soon enough he lets go of the straw of his cup of water with a happy sigh.

“How long have I been unconscious?”

“A day or so.”

“Has Magnus been here the whole time?” he asks with practiced disinterest.

Jace just looks at him for a bit before answering. “Yeah, he has. He fixed you up, obviously. You could’ve died without him.”

“Great”, Alec sighs.

Jace picks at the blanket that’s set over him and frowns. “Do you think we’re being honest to each other nowadays?”

“What do you mean?” Alec doesn’t meet his eyes right away.

“Do you think we’ve been honest to each other lately?”

“Why do you not think so?”

“Answer the question, Alec.”

“Well… we don’t see each other as much anymore since you don’t spend all of your time with me and Izzy –“

“Neither do you!” Jace defends himself quickly.

“Okay fine, neither do I. But it’s not the same – I mean you have a girlfriend. I’m not saying Clary is not one of us but she’s still your girlfriend.”

“Are you jealous of me and Clary?” Jace asks.

Alec opens his mouth to answer but nothing comes out.

“You are, aren’t you?” Jace accuses. “I don’t get you. It’s not like you’ll never find yourself a girl –“

“A boy”, Alec corrects and both of them freeze.

“Or a boy”, Jace agrees slowly, eyes curious on his parabatai’s face.

“Yeah… um, yeah I might… not like girls.”

“So you’re gay?” Jace raises a brow at him.

“Uh, I guess”, Alec blushes and looks away.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Alec? Did you think I wouldn’t want to have you as my brother anymore?”

“Something like that…”

“Alec”, Jace gives him a warning look.

“I used to like you. A lot. More than as a brother. Or at least I thought so”, Alec blurts out.

Jace stays still for a moment before making an approving noise. “Not that I can blame you for that – I am very desirable – but how come you only think so? How could you not like me?”

“Because I don’t feel that way anymore”, Alec replies and realizes it’s true. “And now it feels different.”

“But you do feel something for someone else?” Jace’s eyes are kind and Alec wants to cry a little.

“I – I don’t know, Jace, I’m really confused”, he whispers. “I thought I was in love with you for years and then I met… someone else and it felt completely different. Maybe my crush on you was always just a convenience. I didn’t have to worry about telling anyone because I knew you wouldn’t want me back.”

“Does Magnus like you back?”

“What? How does everyone know before me?” Alec throws an arm over his eyes.

“You’re not making it too difficult to see”, Jace shrugs. “But it’s cool. I don’t care who you want to bang. It doesn’t change what we are.”

“Well, thank you for putting it so nicely”, Alec nods and Jace chortles.

“Anything for you.”

They smile at each other for a moment until Jace gets up.

“Okay, this gay moment is over now”, he stretches his arms as he walks towards the door. “I think I can feel Izzy breathing through the door.”

Alec laughs and waves him goodbye. Isabelle charges into the room right as Jace leaves and keeps him busy until he can’t keep his eyes open anymore. He thinks he can see Magnus lingering at the door once but whatever he saw is gone one blink later.

*

The next morning dawns slowly for Alec. He spent most of the night feeling nauseous as an aftereffect of the spell Magnus did on him the night before. He finally falls asleep around five and gets a good three hours of sleep until Jace manages to break something in the library.

“Good morning, sunshine.”

He turns to look groggily at Magnus who’s smiling at him from the chair next to his bed. “What are you doing here?”

“Watching over your sorry ass”, the warlock smiles brightly.

“Just not while I was puking?” Alec raises a brow.

“Wanted to keep up the romance”, Magnus winks before getting up. “Do you want something to eat?”

“Can you make sure I don’t throw it up?”

“Not really.”

“Then I’ll have to say no”, he says, pushing himself up to a sitting position. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Away, slaying demons, saving the world”, Magnus picks up two potion bottles and pours both of them into a cup. “But you have something much more entertaining to do.”

“Do I need to drink that?” Alec whines.

Magnus hands him the cup with a smile.

“If this tastes disgusting, I’m punching you”, Alec mumbles.

“Looking forward to it”, Magnus singsongs.

He takes a sip of the drink and grimaces. Magnus is walking around the room, looking into cabinets, checking book covers and peaking out of the windows. His hair is free of any product and his current wardrobe is all black. He fits there. In the room, in the Institute, with him –

“Why are you here, Magnus?” he asks quietly.

The warlock leans on the windowsill and turns to look at him. “Do you want me to leave, Alec?”

“Don’t answer my question with a question!”

“Alright, so I’m the one deflecting?” Magnus crosses his arms over his chest. “Please enlighten me, Alexander. Am I the only one avoiding things that are staring me in the face?”

“You only call me Alexander when you’re nervous or trying to tease me”, Alec states.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Magnus exclaims.

“You’re not teasing me. So you’re nervous”, he explains slowly.

“I don’t understand you.”

“I think you do. That’s the problem.”

Magnus just stares at him.

“I don’t want you to understand me. Or maybe I do, but I hate admitting it. I don’t know what to do about you. Did you make me drink some kind of truth potion?”

“I did not, but it seems to be working anyway”, Magnus frowns. “Just put it simply so that you’ll understand it yourself.”

“Are you calling me stupid?” Alec’s eyes are starting to slip close.

“No, you’re just in denial. It’s okay up to some point but you’re just hurting yourself.”

“Shut up, Magnus”, he groans.

“I’m sorry, Alec”, Magnus walks up to him and rests a hand on his forehead. “I hope you figure everything out. You could be happy.”

“You make me happy”, Alec pushes him off. “Stop talking to me.”

“Go to sleep, Alexander”, Magnus pulls the covers over him.

The boy is asleep in seconds.

*

“I’m in love with you.”

“I love you too”, Magnus says. “But that’s not what bothers you.”

“What?” Alec frowns.

“I said I love you too but –“

“So you decided to tell me that and then change the subject?”

“Like you did right before me?” Magnus insists.

“I”, Alec opens his mouth and closes it.

“Exactly!”

“Why do you sound like you don’t believe me?” Alec shrieks.

“Why do you feel like you need to prove it to me?” Magnus throws up his arms. “And if you’re going to continue sitting ten feet away from me, I don’t see the point of this anyway.”

Alec stands up with his hands clenched tightly into fists. “I feel the need to prove it because I’ve never been in love with anyone before for goodness’ sake! I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t even know if I’ve told myself yet that I’m gay! I’m gay! I even told Jace before actually telling myself. Obviously I’ve known since I was eleven, but never, not once, did I tell myself it was okay.

And then I met you, a confident, sexually fluent man – a warlock, who showed interest in me! I had no idea what to do about it. I had never felt attracted to someone mentally _and_ physically at the same time. And there you were, flirting with me and then all the sudden there was the incident with you and your hand down my pants. I’m a homosexual virgin with no experience, in deep denial, just trying to not think about the fact that you have a penis as well. Do you understand how confusing that was?

And it kept happening over and over again. I couldn’t stop wanting you. I couldn’t even stop thinking about you. What does that say about me? I can’t lose my focus at any time. But now all I’ve been thinking about is fantasies of you. It’s horrifying! It’s like I can’t control myself! What am I supposed to do about it? I haven’t told my parents because I’m afraid they’ll hate me! But I haven’t really even thought about that lately because thinking about you makes me happy and so frustrated all at once. It’s because I love you!

I have no idea what to do with relationships and things. I don’t know how to have sex or probably even kiss but my mind is going all kinds of places now that I said that and I’m kind of embarrassed. I’ll stop talking now.”

Magnus gets up and walks up to him. “Thank you”, he kisses Alec’s forehead and pulls him into a hug.

“Was that the outburst you were looking for?” Alec mumbles against his neck.

“Pretty much”, Magnus nods thoughtfully. “Do you feel better now?”

“I don’t know”, he shrugs. “I’m a little bit distracted by your hand on my butt.”

Magnus laughs, the muffled sound vibrating through his chest. He hugs Alec tighter, pulling him closer with another hand on his ass.

“You’re terrible”, Alec sighs. “You’re going to make me regret this.”

“Regret what?”

Alec grabs his face and kisses him hard. Magnus returns the kiss and tackles him down on the couch. They roll around for a while until Magnus ends up on top again.

“Don’t try to beat a warlock in… well anything”, Magnus smirks and ducks down to catch his lips.

“I’m sure”, he pants, “there’s a way”, and pushes his hips up.

Magnus’ grin gets even wider. “You’re learning fast. I’m proud of you.”

“Well, I’m about to make you even prouder”, Alec takes a deep breath and moves his hands down Magnus’ back. He squeezes the warlock’s backside and gives him a questioning look.

“I’m very, very proud”, Magnus laughs, bracing his knees on either side of his thighs. “I can imagine many situations where you can repeat that.”

Alec’s hips stutter. “Magnus, touch me.”

“Now we’re speaking the same language”, Magnus chuckles and grinds down onto him.

He gasps sharply. “Take off your shirt, please”, he tugs at the fabric.

“Trying to get me naked?”

“Yes”, Alec huffs. “So please give me a hand.”

“You’re rushing”, Magnus cups his chin and gives him a kiss. “Can’t I take my time with you?”

“I don’t know how long I’ll be good to go”, Alec blushes.

“Let me worry about that, okay?” Magnus nudges his nose with his own.

“What if I don’t know what to do?” he whispers.

“I’ll take care of you. And all you need to do is not get frightened about me having a penis.”

Alec groans and pushes him off, making Magnus fall to the floor with a thud. The warlock stares up at him with wide eyes. Alec bursts into giggles, flopping back on the couch.

“You bruised me.”

“The fall’s not that bad”, he hiccups, wiping his eyes.

“I was talking about my ego”, Magnus stands up slowly. He stretches his arms over his head and his shirt rides up his stomach. “But I can take it. I’m a grownup.”

“I’m sure you can”, Alec bites his lip, eyes glued to the man’s body.

Magnus buttons down his shirt slowly and slips it off of his shoulders. “I would’ve taken care of you, you know. Real good care, Alexander. You could’ve just lied back and watched.”

Alec watches him walk away towards the bedroom. His eyes follow the line of his back and then he’s scrambling up from the couch to run after him.

“Look how the tables have turned”, Magnus chuckles.

Alec slides his hands up his chest, chin hooked over his shoulder. “Could you maybe show me something?”

“Haven’t you gotten brave in the last half an hour”, Magnus pecks his cheek.

“Shut up, I’ve been thinking about this a lot longer than that”, Alec rests his palms on his stomach.

“Well now I’m excited.”

“If you make a joke out of this I will never take my clothes off in front of you”, he pouts.

“Well first of all: I’m sure that is not a promise you can keep. Second: I won’t make a joke of it, I promise. I want to make you feel good about this. Everyone has their firsts. It’s kind of hot – really hot actually. I’m getting sidetracked. You might want to stop me now if you want to keep this sappy and romantic.”

“Okay, I’ll hopefully never say this again, but I don’t care about you being romantic right now. I get really turned on when you talk like that”, Alec blabbers, a flush rising on his cheeks.

Magnus turns around swiftly and kisses him hard. “Bed. Now”, he growls and starts pushing him forward. Alec topples over on the sheets and Magnus is on him in a second. “What did you want me to show you?”

“I’m not sure whether I want to tell you –“

“Please, Alec. I beg of you”, Magnus bites his earlobe gently. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do – especially if it involves you taking off your clothes. Just tell me –”

“Can you blow me?” Alec asks quickly, the tips of his ears turning red.

Magnus lets out a sharp laugh that sounds more like a whine by the end of it. “Take off your pants. Lie back.”

Alec bites his lip, hands on the front of his jeans, while Magnus gets up and pretends to rustle around the room to give him time. He frowns as he follows the older man with his eyes. He can’t stop admiring the way his lean body moves or how he ruffles his hair when he runs a hand through it.

“Hey”, Magnus smiles at him from the other side of the room. “Still want to do this?”

“Of course”, he nods.

Magnus walks over to him. “Then it might be better if you take off your pants, sweetie.”

“Don’t baby talk me! I’ll do it”, Alec snaps.

“If it’s a problem, you don’t have to”, Magnus points out gently.

“I want to! I’m just nervous. You’ve never seen me… like this.”

“I’ve had my hand down your pants, Alec. I don’t think you have anything to worry about”, Magnus sits at the end of the bed. “This is quickly turning out to be my slowest sexual experience, so you don’t have to worry about wanting to stop.”

“You’re not making me feel any better.”

“I’m sorry. But my point is that I’m still willing to put my mouth on your dick whenever you’re ready.”

“I’m not even sure where this is going anymore”, Alec sighs. “What is your usual experience then?” He moves over on the bed and Magnus settles next to him.

“Well, it’s usually casual so it happens after a party. In a bathroom or a dark corner. It depends on the occasion what happens then. I’d rather tell you what I imagine doing to you, though. Do you think that would work for you?”

Alec turns on his stomach and hides his face in the pillows. “I’m like a fifteen-year-old, aren’t I? This is humiliating.”

“I’m not letting you give up now. We’ve come too far to do that!”

“It was easier when I didn’t have to think!”

“Would you rather do it in the dark with just my hand down your pants and run out after that? My guess is you like cuddling, anyway”, Magnus states.

“Why is this so hard?” Alec whines, wiggling closer to pull his arm around himself.

“You’re not confident yet. That’s okay. Once I’m done with you, you’ll never look back”, Magnus kisses his temple.

“You sound confident.”

“I am.”

Alec meets his eyes for a long while before nodding. “Tell me.”

“First thing from the top of my head is your leather jacket”, Magnus starts off slowly. “I’d like to see you flushed pink and hard, wearing just your jacket. I would kiss your thighs until you’re begging for it. And then I would suck you off just because I can’t say no to you.”

“Keep going.”

“I’d wake up next to you in the morning. I’d just throw your leg over my hip and take you when you’re still loose from the night before. It would be slow and hot… I can only imagine the noises you’d make”, Magnus clears his throat, deliberately ignoring the way Alec is rubbing against his hip without seeming to even notice.

“But of course, I wouldn’t mind bottoming every now and then. So I’d like to see you watch me prep myself. You couldn’t touch yourself; only watch me work in my fingers slowly. And then if you’d had a long day I could ride you. I think you’d like watching me bounce on your cock, wouldn’t you?”

“Magnus”, Alec whimpers.

“Yes, Alec?” he strokes the boy’s back soothingly.

“Nothing.”

“Good. One thing I’ve really wanted to try on you is making you come without touching you. With my mouth on you first, to get you relaxed. And then turn you around and spread you wide. I’d kiss around your hole and listen to you whine before licking you open slowly –“

“Okay!” Alec squeals. “See? I’m pulling down my pants. Right now. They’re coming off. Please touch me right now.”

Magnus watches him wriggle out of his jeans before pinning him on his back on the bed. “Your legs are gorgeous. Everything about you is gorgeous. Just let me see you.”

“Look at me all you want. Just touch me first”, Alec scratches down his back.

“Now you’re getting bossy”, Magnus chuckles as he kisses his neck.

“Magnus! I need your mouth on me right now!”

“Relax!” he moves down Alec’s body all the way to his crotch. He nuzzles the bulge in his underwear, nibbling on the pale skin of his thigh between every breath Alec drags in.

He pulls down the fabric and Alec’s cock springs out. Magnus gives him a few strokes before the boy can even think about it. He sucks on the head of his dick, hollowing his cheeks as he moves lower. Alec cries out softly when he takes him in all the way, letting him hit the back of his throat.

“Magnus, I won’t last much longer”, Alec tugs at his hair.

He pulls off of him, “That’s kind of the point, darling”, and licks a stripe from his base to tip. He sucks Alec in as deep as he can once more, twirling his tongue around his shaft as he pulls up.

Alec comes into Magnus’ mouth with a quiet sob.

They lie next to each other in silence while Alec catches his breath.

“So…” Magnus trails a hand down his arm. “How are you feeling?”

“Fucked”, Alec whispers.

Magnus laughs. “In a good way?”

“Definitely.”

“Good”, Magnus pats his stomach before sitting up.

“Where are you going?” Alec frowns. “I haven’t taken care of you.”

“I didn’t know that you wanted to.”

“Of course I want to”, Alec grabs his arm to keep him down. “I haven’t even seen you naked yet. That’s a tragedy. I really want to see you naked.”

“You get ramble-y after you come”, Magnus nods thoughtfully. “Good to know.”

Alec leans over him to open his pants and push them down. He doesn’t care to finish the job after he gets too distracted by the fact that the warlock isn’t wearing any underwear.

“What’s the best way to do this?” he asks.

“I just want to see you.”

Alec settles over his thighs and takes him into his hand. He tries different angles and speeds, interested in Magnus’ reaction to certain moves. Magnus himself doesn’t even notice. He’s more focused on the way Alec bites his lip when he concentrates and the flush on his cheeks, not to mention the delighted smile he gets whenever he gets a wanted reaction out of him.

It takes a while, with awkward angles and tired arms, but when Magnus comes he ends up losing all control of his body until Alec starts licking his cum from his fingers.

He snaps up and grabs the boy’s hand. “Don’t. I need a minute to recover.”

Alec just laughs as he snaps his finger to find the tissues again.

*

”Good morning, family members”, Jace walks into the kitchen.

Alec glances up from his breakfast and rolls his eyes. “Put a shirt on, jackass. I’m trying to eat.”

“Well excuse me. It’s not like you’ve ever complained before”, Jace shrugs as he opens the fridge.

“I think Alec here gets his usual share of shirtlessness from elsewhere nowadays”, Isabelle grins.

“Did he work things out with Magnus?” Clary comes in, wearing just a large pajama shirt.

“Went there on Saturday, didn’t come back until Sunday”, Jace says between sips of orange juice, leaning his back on the fridge door.

“I’m right here!” Alec slams his palms on the table.

They all stare at him for a second before continuing their conversation.

“He’s been a lot more helpful lately. It’s useful”, Isabelle nods.

“What if they break up, though? He might never help us again”, Jace rubs his chin.

“You’re all terrible and I hate every single one of you”, Alec mutters to himself. “I thought we were supposed to get something done today.”

“Right, wasn’t Magnus supposed to –“

“Pay you a visit today?”

Alec buries his face in his hands while the others grin sheepishly at the warlock standing in the doorway.

“Good morning, Magnus”, Isabelle gets up swiftly. “Should we get started?”

“Certainly”, Magnus gives them a polite smile. He stands still until they’ve all passed him and only Alec is left in the kitchen. “Are you coming, Alexander?”

“Right”, Alec lifts up his head slowly, getting up from his seat.

He follows the warlock to the library where the others are waiting. They start going through the maps they’d found without another word on the subject of their relationship.

It’s completely normal – so normal it’s almost terrifying. Alec sits most of it in silence, just eyeing the others suspiciously. He can’t understand how it’s going so smoothly.

Magnus is being his usual cool and collected self, not looking at him more than is proper. There’s no smirking, no snarky comments, and absolutely no touching. He’s getting worried whether it’s normal or if Magnus is regretting whatever they are now.

It’s already dark outside when they’re finally finished. Isabelle and Jace start bickering over what they’ll get for dinner, even though they always end up listening to Clary’s reasonable choice. The three of them disappear into the kitchen, leaving Alec alone with Magnus in the library.

“Uh, thanks for the help… again”, Alec glances at him quickly before turning to look at his shoes.

“You’re welcome, darling.”

“What?” he looks up with a frown.

Magnus rolls his eyes and grabs the back of his head to pull him into a kiss. Alec grabs his shoulders to stay upright and kisses him back. He’s perched up on the table before he even notices it, with Magnus between his legs. Magnus sucks on his lower lip and tugs on his hair, and Alec whimpers softly against his lips.

“Alec, do you want anything special?” Isabelle yells from the kitchen.

“Hold on a second!” Alec calls back, craning his neck to give Magnus more room to work. “Don’t bite me”, he hisses.

“You like it”, Magnus chuckles.

“Alec, if you want to order for yourself, you’d better come here now!”

He whines and kisses Magnus again. The warlock laughs and pulls away.

“Go get your food”, Magnus pecks his lips once more. “I’ll see you around.”

“Oh, okay”, he clears his throat.

“Alec”, Magnus cups his chin. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“What took you so long?” Isabelle asks when he enters the kitchen.

“Nothing”, he shrugs.

“I don’t even know if they are together”, Jace continues the conversation they were having before. “There was nothing there today.”

“You’re right.”

Alec just sits there and listens with a wide grin on his face.


End file.
